SpinTunes #8: Round 3

by Various Artists

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about

Misleading Melodies - Write a disinformative song with false facts or otherwise confusing information, presented academically. (2 minute minimum) (they had 8 days)

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released March 11, 2014

Album art by Matt Schubbe

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about

Spintown Middletown, Ohio

I run a songwriting contest called SpinTunes. Most of the material hosted on this account is a result of that contest. You can follow the contest on Twitter (@SpinTunes) or my personal account (@Spintown).

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Track Name: Ryan M. Brewer - Jesus Christ's Biographer Gives A Guest Lecture
welcome one, come all to History.
get the 411 on how we came to be.
turn with me onto page 93,
where the lord appeared and he said unto me...
"i'm a kid in a big ol' candy store.
stole my daddy's tools to build a fort.
i might have got a bit carried away."
the world that we call "home" was born that day.

we stood atop his new creation, i...
asked "what now, lord?" he turned to me and smiled.
"big plans just ain't my thing...over-rated, i believe.
let's walk a bit and see what we can see."
a couple kids in a big ol' candy store.
a brave new world there to explore.
paint the whole world red 'neath skies o' blue.
livin' large on history's first afternoon.

"i think i'll name this place 'eden'.
i like the way it rolls right off my tongue.
knelt down and grasped some mud to squeeze it.
mold a woman and a man he called "eve" and "adam".
a couple kids in a big ol' candy store,
turned 'em loose on eachother to make some more.
he said "i hope they don't get too carried away.
ignorance is bliss, wouldn't you say?"

we sat back and watched his fruits of labor,
that slithering snake satan sent to sour.
they tied their mother earth down and raped her,
the last of their sweetness, he devoured.
i said "dear lord! why can't you save them?"
he said "i'm 'fraid i don't know how."
i'm just the architect. not a shrink, nor a priest, nor economist.
i'm a spectator just like you up here in the clouds.
watching kids in a big ol' candy store.
steal their daddy's tools to make some war.
i hope they don't get too carried away.
how long this thing can last, man, who's to say?"

children, are you listening? listen good.
there'll be a test at the end, so i sure would.
your grade on which could damn or save your soul,
so take to heart the words your being told.

god's a kid in a big ol' candy store.
a cheering fan, no less and not much more.
live your life before it gets away.
how long this thing can last, man, who's to say?
Track Name: Edric Haleen - A Brave New World
All right, boys and girls . . .
Thanks to our right-wing governor
And Republican supermajorities
In our State House and Senate
And the will of conservative courts
And, of course, evangelical lobbyists --
Today I am proud to present to you
An alternative science curriculum.
Would you please turn to page one
Of your new, sacred text . . .

And we’ll begin!

Ev’rything you’ve learned in here
That contradicts the Bible is wrong.
The only bits of science
It’s okay to put your faith in
Are the pieces that agree
With what we’ve known all along!
The Bible says the Universe
Is just six thousand years old.
(And the Bible, I remind you,
Is the greatest story ever told!)

Oh! All the things you’ve learned
That say the Universe is ancient are lies.
The scientists who tell you
It’s a figure in the billions
Are ignoring the authority
The Bible supplies!
The Bible is infallible --
It’s God’s own heavenly word!
(And the Bible, I remind you,
Tells the greatest story ever heard!)

It tells us
God’s the cause of ev’rything.
The plants that grow.
The birds that sing.
The stars above.
The Earth below.
The lives we live.
And all we know.
The Word of God is all we need.
It shows the path
If we just heed
Its clear-as-crystal,
Unambiguous truth!

(As interpreted by fundies . . .)

Anything that contradicts
The Bible is a boatload of crap.
So ev’rything in science
Is about to be discounted,
Save the areas where their beliefs
And ours overlap!
The Bible’s unassailable --
Beyond all shadow of doubt!
So Einstein
And Hubble
And Darwin
And Douglass
And Penzias and Wilson
And Wilson, Cann and Stoneking
And thousands of cosmologists
And geologists
And biologists
And archeologists
Paleontologists
Dendrochronologists --
Don’t know what they’re talking about!

No! No one but the Fundamental
Christians can be trusted at all!
But armed with Holy Scripture
You’ll have access to the answers
That the Bible has provided those
Who live in its thrall!
The Bible is the only place
Where all God’s answers belong!
So centuries of careful
Scientific observation
Are never gonna factor in your
Right-wing education!

Don’t believe the scientists
And all that they say.
Don’t let the world you see around you
Lead you astray.
Don’t trust in rationality
To figure things out.
Don’t let your observations
Put your faith in doubt.
You can’t believe in science
Or in things you can see,
So close your books,
Turn off your brains
And take it from me!
Yes! Ev’rything you see and learn and read
Except the Bible is wrong!

(Except the Bible is wrong!)
Track Name: Jenny Katz - Liars Cheats And Weasels
I. Introduction
There’s a contest in the land to spin a song
and I know the brilliant judges
trust the players to play along
and I hate to be the one to pull the veil from their eyes
but someone has to tell them
so I guess it must be I

the dirty little secret
hidden right beneath the spin
it’s liars, cheats, and weasels for the win

II: The Pretenders
Capital letter A is Zoe Grey
But let’s put “teen” in quotes
It's a ploy to garner votes
In fact she lives in Vegas and she’s almost fifty-three
she runs her voice through filters for the youthful frequencies

Letter B is better known as Edric Haleen, the writing machine
and by machine I literally mean
when you switch him on the light goes green
He’s programmed to manipulate the judges’ vagal nerves
Don’t say I didn’t warn you when computers rule the world

The dirty little secret
hidden right beneath the spin
It’s liars, cheats, and weasels for the win

III: The Bad Role Models
Ross Durand is Number Three sub A
The devil bought his soul, which pretty much explains
all the hits and all the hooks, cause it's Satan’s tongue they’re sung in
Is that the kind of win we should be showing to the young'uns?

B is Dr. Lindyke, who are currently en suit
for musical malpractice involving a pan flute
They're cunning and unscrupulous and wanted for assault—
though now I come to think of it, that’s probably Heather’s fault—

Oh Joe and Katherina
Daniel David Paul
Please don’t think I’m getting
any pleasure here at all
I say this with impartiality:
It looks like you should just DQ
everyone but me

The dirty little secret
hidden right beneath the spin
It’s liars, cheats, and weasels for the win

IV: Conclusion
And these are just a few
of the cads who vy for first
Although I have to tell you that the rest are even worse
I know it isn’t nice to mention names
(Ben and Adam, Jutze, Felix, Ryan, Brian, Ray, and James)

The dirty little secret
hidden right beneath the spin
It’s liars, cheats, and weasels for the win

The dirty little secret
hidden right beneath the spin
It’s liars, cheats, and weasels for the win
Track Name: Jutze - Banjo (Rejected Wikipedia Edit)
The banjo is one of the signature instruments of country and western music.
It has a unique sound that resonates from its circle-shaped body.
Influential early adopters were Stephen Foster and Pete Seeger.
For a typical country banjo please listen to sample number 1.

The banjo has five strings and is commonly played with finger picks.
The percussive sound of the banjo was used by North American cotton farmers to scare away birds.
They also used it to annoy their neighbors.
For a traditional banjo lullaby please listen to sample number 2.

The banjo was introduced to North American folk music by Scottish immigrants who did not have enough strings to build a proper guitar.

BANJO SOLO!

Banjos are most popular among people named Travis.
For a typical western banjo please listen to sample number 3.
Track Name: Felix Frost - Cloudy
Chester Allan Arthur was a kamikazee communist
who flew his helicopter into China's target flag.
He won the Karl Marxmanship award for his sideburns
but he doesn't like to brag

'Cause Franklin Lincoln told him if you
cut down that cherry tree,
you should never tell a lie.
Unless you've been sippin' on some cotton gin
from the South's big fields of rye.

I remember history
like I recall Sicily
It's got a leaning monument
to the inventor of the pork rotisserie

No, nothing's gotten cloudy in my mind
And I'ma stick to the facts, you'll find
You gotta keep up or stay behind
because you know I'm not gonna rewind.

Easter island dino eggs
were all dug to make some room
for plastic Aztec pyramids,
with mustolids in the mummy's tomb

ever since St. Patrick came
to make the Irish ferrets tame
Egypt never was the same
now Istanbul has been the name

Can't stand that nobel laureate
Constantinople story yet
Cause they haven't found their glory at
the Texas territory, that

may be the best excuse for why
they can't recall their alibi
when remembering the Alamo
or the alimony owed

I know all the science cause
it proves that there were giants
they all lived inside the Vatican
till L. Ron got all fat again

and led a great defiance
to wrangle up some clients
to sell his Hubbard telescopes
to Capricorns and billy goats

Chemistry is easy
if you're part of the protists family
E=MC3
but only for the mass of manatees

the elements are relevant
to platinum plated pelicans
who measure moles of kilodirts
in a black hole donut hole of hertz

The truth hertz, don't it?

I'm a pro at chemistry
like Einstein was at dentistry
He's famous for his fairy wings
and for pulling teeth by tying floss to string theory

No, nothing's gotten cloudy in my mind
And I'ma stick to the facts, you'll find
You gotta keep up or stay behind
because you know I'm not gonna rewind.

The ancient Chinese dynasties
went south to the icy tropics
there they found no privacy
from lifeforms microscopic

Organisms can organize in single file lines
But only when a total of a single planet aligns
Every mitochondria can be a hypochondriac
if it makes all of its energy for no one but insomniacs

Organisms can organize in single file lines
But only when a total of a single planet aligns
Every mitochondria can be a hypochondriac
if it all makes energy for no one but insomniacs

I remember history
like I recall Sicily
It's got a leaning monument
to the inventor of the pork rotisserie

No, nothing's gotten cloudy in my mind
And I'ma stick to the facts, you'll find
You gotta keep up or stay behind
because you know I'm not gonna rewind.
Track Name: Dr. Lindyke - A Historical Account Of The Life And Accomplishments Of Abraham Lincoln Of Which Every Word Is True I Swear
When Lincoln was a little child
His mother built a boat of reeds
And sailed him down the river Nile
That flows through Mississippi
(oh! through Mississippi!)

A child of Negro slaves
He taught us wrong from right
His every photograph
Integrated black and white
(oh! black and white)

A man without precedent
He became our 14th President
He discovered that slavery was wrong...

The Emancipation Proclamation he signed into law
Such dedication to a nation no one ever saw

He built an army great and strong
And he marched them down South to face the pharoah
And there was Jefferson Davis
On his throne upon the Pyramid
And Lincoln said...LET MY PEOPLE GO!

Then he built an underground railroad
With a shovel he made from a skull
And the timbers he split with his hands
And the steel of his resolve
And Lincoln said...LET MY PEOPLE GO!

And there were plagues upon the South
And it burned with Sherman's Fire
And the conflagration rose
It was fueled by Lincoln's ire
And the firstborn were devoured
By gators from the swamp
And Tar Baby, he said nothing.
Yeah, Tar Baby, he said nothing!

And there in the Dust Bowl
Davis was laid low
And he bowed his head to Lincoln
And he let the people go
As they danced into Ford's theater
To celebrate the day
Lincoln stayed behind and then he quietly stole away

And somewhere in the wilderness
Stands a cabin made of wood.
Yes, right now in the wilderness
Stands a cabin made of wood.
With a stovepipe hat upon a nail.
And a fence made of split rail
Track Name: Governing Dynamics featuring @suspiciousden - Because
I'm here today to speak about the Pyramids
Of Stonehenge and the Dropa stones, and other wondrous things.
So join me on this journey of discovery
A sense of child-like wonder is all that you need bring!

Now, to begin...

Look! and see the mysterious, beautiful past
I don't know how you can and not be moved
So many JOYless types type out there today
Are really too concerned with what one can or cannot prove.

Could man have made such wonders?
(Nope.)
Was culture on the rise?
(I don't think so.) (Nuh-uh.)
Now I'll reveal whodunit, so listen to me, guys:

It was ALIENS! Oh, aliens.
Descended to the earth, from the black beyond the blue.
Aliens! Don't be contrarian.
If you look into your heart, you know it's true.

Consider now: cave paintings. They show us all the clues!
Looks just like an astronaut, sharing wisdom's wealth;
And this! The moon and stars.. or an antelope (or something)...
And a caveman'd be too stupid to think of that himself!

Does evidence support it?
(Of course it does!) (SURE)
Have we really thought this through?
(YES!) (Yyyyyy-up.)
Surely something awesome beats out
The logic'ly true?

It was aliens! Those crafty aliens.
Brought us Promethean fire just to light our cigarettes
Aliens! To guide we barbarians.
Ungrateful as we are, they might regret.

Now, why are you all laughing?
Peer-reviewed sticks and stones won't fell us!
Call us pseudo-science or pseudo-sane
But all you are haters are just jealous...

Jealous...?

...that we know aliens! Our savior aliens.
One day they'll part the clouds and take us all back to skies.
Aliens! 'neath the Mediterranean
And when they wake from stasis you'll recognize.

It was ALIENS! Oh, aliens.
With interstellar travel and nothing better to do.
Aliens! Don't be contrarian.
I don't have all day to convince you.

And if you look into your heart you know it's true.
Track Name: Ross Durand - How To Write A Hit Song
Hi, this is Ross Durand. You may know me from such online songwriting contests as Nur Ein! and Spintunes! You know People always ask me, “How do you do that, Ross? How do you come up with tehse songs. Well, it won’t be a mystery any more, because I’m going to teach you.

First you gotta have a melody
And keep it real interesting
Use all kinds of notes so it doesn’t get boring.

Then you gotta have some chords
To sing a long with of course
You can pick any chords you want want you’re not stuck just with one key

And that’s how you write
That’s how you
Write
That’s how you write
A hit song

(have a catchy chorus - so you can sing along! Everybody!)

Then you gotta have a lyric
It can be a little cryptic
It’s all poetry so it doesn’t matter whichwords you pick

It’s like space ships flying from Mars to the Moon
It’s like know ing that only sheep know that Robots eat Pie with a SPoon

And that’s how you write
That’s how you
Write
That’s how you write
A hit song

(and then you rap)

Aw - yeah
Aw -yeah
Rappy rap rap
This is a hit song rappy rap
Aww - yeah
Put your hands in the air

See it doesn’t really matter what words you say as long as it’s a rap, but you can make it better by using words like “bitch” and “nigga” - especially if you’re white, then that’s really cool

(Kazoo solo)

And that’s how you write
That’s how you
Write
That’s how you write
A hit song

And that’s how you write
(repeat and fade)
That’s how you write
A hit song

(or else the big ending!!!!)

And that’s how you write
That’s how you
Write
That’s how you write
A hit song
Track Name: Zoe Gray - The Truth About Homeschooling
There are people in this world that are quite different than the others
You may know a few of them; your cousin's girlfriend's brothers are all homeschooled
What's up with that?
Now, at first you may find these little people quite alarming
Cause who's ever hear of a homeschooler being charming?
Nobody
Ever

And how can they learn if they're not tested
I think they're getting a little too invested
In this theory
That has no studies to back it up as a viable learning option

Homeschoolers are all socially awkward
And lounge about in pajamas every day
When they're not being taught by a person who's not a teacher
They stay inside cause they don't have friends anyway

They're chained up in the basement so they rarely see the sun
They never go on field trips, cause what's the fun in leaving their shelter
Not that they have the time
They never sit in chairs and don't know how to stand in line
I bet they won't take orders so there's just no point in trying to use discipline
Who listens to parents

And how will they ever go to college
It's not like they've gained any knowledge
It's not like the acceptance rate is actually higher for people who homeschooled

Homeschoolers are all socially awkward
And lounge about in pajamas every day
When they're not being taught by a person who's not a teacher
They stay inside cause they don't have friends anyway

And I feel bad for the parent
Who has to spend time teaching their kid
It's not like that job is inherent
They have to hang out with the person they created, God forbid

Homeschoolers are all socially awkward
And lounge about in pajamas every day
When they're not being taught by a person who's not a teacher
They stay inside cause they don't have friends anyway [x3]
Track Name: Jailhouse Payback - Maritime Achaeology
In the pages of professor Fitzgibbon
I verified the presence of a vessel
Her mission consisted of prosperous freightage
Gold and other treasure to be commutated

But the cable snapped, her dodger raised
She plunged to the depths of the Torres strait
This pecunious vessel called the Morningstar
Was buried by a copious jumble of feldspar

A matron had escaped, squeezed through the skeg
She paddled to the shore and hoisted the flag
She abandoned ship, but kept close to her womb
Consciousness of where substantial wealth was entombed

She only revealed these abstruse facts
To her lover, the professor who committed them to map
Fitzgibbon disappeared but left his depiction
Of where the fortune slept. But was it fact… or fiction?

Now as I arrive at the muddy bottoms, due east of queensland...
The site of the alleged hairbreadth escape by the matron…

No ship, no gold, no treasure hidden
Just a mummified corpse with a tag that reads "Fitzgibbon"
She fell out of love and sent him to die
With a very academically presented lie
Track Name: Adam Sakellarides - Why The Sky Is Blue
everyday the sun does rise
and reveals a big surprise
the entire world sees with its eyes
that the sky is blue
well, Rainbow Dash and Super Grover
hang a large blue curtain over
the entire world and hover
for an hour or two

that’s why the sky is blue
that’s why the sky is blue

but if either’s preoccupied
they’ll light a Bolian’s head with blue light
or sometimes they’ll bring in Bill Nye
and enlarge his blue lab coat
and if they’re having trouble with that
the caterpillar from Wonderland
will get high and lie really flat
while he blows up clouds of smoke

that’s why the sky is blue
that’s why the sky is blue
that’s why the sky is blue
that’s why the sky is blue

some may say
during the day
“The sun’s visible spectrum of matters"
they will lie
and tell you why:
“Earth’s atmosphere causes light to scatter"
but they are wrong
they’ll sing this song:
“Because the waves of blues are shorter
and then we
will mostly see
simply blue waves of the spectrum order"

that’s why the sky is blue
that’s why the sky is blue
that’s why the sky is blue
that’s why the sky is blue
Track Name: Trader Jack - FreeYourCredit.com (M.A.C.D.) (Shadow)
True cyber security begins with you and me. Only when all information is free, truly free, will we be protected, not by anonymity or secrecy, but by reciprocity. If I have your credit card information, I can buy things with that card, and you will be responsible for those purchases. But what happens if you also have my credit card information? You can easily purchase things under my name in retaliation. We could go on and on in this fashion, digging each other into inescapable depths of indebtedness. But would sane individuals do so? Wouldn't we more likely, and on a grand scale, if globally implemented as I am proposing, embrace a de facto golden rule system? Who would steal only to be stolen from? No one. Justice for the people and by the people would emerge virtually over night.

To implement this system of global safety, and to allow you and everyone to immediately take part in it, I have created a website where you can enter your credit card information; www.freeyourcredit.com. There you will also find my name and credit card information. I will periodically send out emails with the updated list of supporters in the free credit movement. I thank you all in advance for your trust and wisdom as we take the next logical step in the internet age. Financial safety, through mutually assured credit destruction.