All right, boys and girls . . .
Thanks to our right-wing governor
And Republican supermajorities
In our State House and Senate
And the will of conservative courts
And, of course, evangelical lobbyists --
Today I am proud to present to you
An alternative science curriculum.
Would you please turn to page one
Of your new, sacred text . . .

And we’ll begin!

Ev’rything you’ve learned in here
That contradicts the Bible is wrong.
The only bits of science
It’s okay to put your faith in
Are the pieces that agree
With what we’ve known all along!
The Bible says the Universe
Is just six thousand years old.
(And the Bible, I remind you,
Is the greatest story ever told!)

Oh! All the things you’ve learned
That say the Universe is ancient are lies.
The scientists who tell you
It’s a figure in the billions
Are ignoring the authority
The Bible supplies!
The Bible is infallible --
It’s God’s own heavenly word!
(And the Bible, I remind you,
Tells the greatest story ever heard!)

It tells us
God’s the cause of ev’rything.
The plants that grow.
The birds that sing.
The stars above.
The Earth below.
The lives we live.
And all we know.
The Word of God is all we need.
It shows the path
If we just heed
Its clear-as-crystal,
Unambiguous truth!

(As interpreted by fundies . . .)

Anything that contradicts
The Bible is a boatload of crap.
So ev’rything in science
Is about to be discounted,
Save the areas where their beliefs
And ours overlap!
The Bible’s unassailable --
Beyond all shadow of doubt!
So Einstein
And Hubble
And Darwin
And Douglass
And Penzias and Wilson
And Wilson, Cann and Stoneking
And thousands of cosmologists
And geologists
And biologists
And archeologists
Paleontologists
Dendrochronologists --
Don’t know what they’re talking about!

No! No one but the Fundamental
Christians can be trusted at all!
But armed with Holy Scripture
You’ll have access to the answers
That the Bible has provided those
Who live in its thrall!
The Bible is the only place
Where all God’s answers belong!
So centuries of careful
Scientific observation
Are never gonna factor in your
Right-wing education!

Don’t believe the scientists
And all that they say.
Don’t let the world you see around you
Lead you astray.
Don’t trust in rationality
To figure things out.
Don’t let your observations
Put your faith in doubt.
You can’t believe in science
Or in things you can see,
So close your books,
Turn off your brains
And take it from me!
Yes! Ev’rything you see and learn and read
Except the Bible is wrong!

(Except the Bible is wrong!)