Bernie, man I love ya but you gotta help me out
I'm stuck behind these prison walls just like a reg'lar lout
'Course, you know I love you, buddy, you're a paragon of class
But my true love's shooting arrows into somebody's chapped ass

They say "Hey, Cupid, pull back that bow"
But what do all those idiots know?
I'm bringing you all love, but inattention is my flaw
'Cause all those freakin' arrows got me collared by the law

I just love shooting my arrows into arms, butts, necks and face
But now I'm on the news and villified by Nancy Grace
The folks I put together hate me, say I give them all the creeps
And now I'm stuck inside this cell, hands covering my cheeks

They say see Cupid, everyone they start to flee
They scream and double over - Took an Arrow To the Knee.
I'm bringing you all my love, but inattention is my flaw
'Cause all those freakin' arrows got me collared by the law

I don't get it. Why is everyone making such a big deal bout this. Hey buddy - watch it! I got my eye on you! You too! You know - you could lose a little weigh. You know, I think you two might look good together. But I'm not videoing it.

So, Bernie, pal, please help me, know that you're my only hope
I can't live where I'm so terrified of just dropping the soap
You're the world's best bail bondsman, and Its time to pay the piper
Get me the freak outta here cause I gotta change this diaper!