I came home to Caroline every single day
I'd bring her favorite brand of wine and flowers, too, of course
But then, one day, that gal o' mine, she up and walked away
Straight to her attorney, to file for divorce

Well, I grew up a poor kid, and I can tell you now,
I don't let people take my things, no way, no how
She said that we were over, and I took that in stride
But imagine my relief when I heard that she died
She left the lawyer's office, tried to cross the street
Didnt see the karma truck, now she's dead meat

Oh, Caroline is dead,
Caroline is dead
I mean, yeah, it's sad she's laid out on the slab
But on the bright side she bought it while we were still wed
There won't be a divorce, wasitng cash on the courts
And, inevitably, giving half to that whore
I'm not gonna lie
It brings a tear to my eye
That I get to keep all my stuff

I get to keep my money, my savings sure are safe
I get to keep my marble bust of Matt from "Melrose Place"
I get to keep the penthouse suite, I get to keep the Benz
And now, since there's no pickin' sides, I'm keepin' all my friends
I get to keep the labrador, I get to keep her cat
But give me just a couple days and I'll send that one back

Oh, Caroline is dead,
Caroline is dead
I'm sure it would suck getting hit by a truck
With the whole tractor/trailer impaled thru your head
But it's perfectly timed, and I'm happy to find
That I'm single again and it won't cost a dime
I'm not gonna lie
It brings a tear to my eye
That I get to keep all my stuff

Maybe this isn't the way
That a husband should handle a eulogy
But right now, I really don't care
Beause she tried to make a fool of me
Maybe next time she'll be a little bit considerate
And think about the gravity of her unchained rapacity
And then she might become contrite and try to set her errors right
But wait, no, I'm wrong 'cause she's dead

You know, I really loved her, that's why we tied the knot
But I guess she was never satisfied with what she got
It seems she planned to pilfer my possessions and abscond
But all she took was a truck to the face and beyond
Yes, the Good Lord did smite her, and smiled on me
So I don't have to fight her to keep the t.v.

Oh, Caroline is dead,
Caroline is dead
It might seem unfair that I'm walkin' on air
But she was gonna take my stuff, and now she's too dead!
Now I'm free to procure all that I can afford
And there's no greedy bitch in my way anymore
And I'm not gonna lie
It brings a tear to my eye
That I get to keep all my stuff