What’s the most important day
Of a person’s life?

It’s their birthday.

A day they should be honored.
A day to be remembered.
A day to be the center
Of ev’ryone’s attention.
To bathe in their affection.
Is that too much to ask?

So I am here, requesting
The 323,045,451 people in your nation
Show me consideration
When it’s mine...

I’m asking . . .

Move my celebration
From September to December.
Then make my birthday an event --
Make it a holiday!
Close all the schools and all the
Bus’nesses and governments,
Then help my birthday . . . erm . . .
My holiday to grow!
Please make my holiday a season!
Not just a day, but
Sev’ral weeks, I think, might do.
Let’s start the shopping in November.
And while we’re at it,
Let’s just go annex
Thanksgiving evening, too!

Let’s have songs play from the radios
Of ev’ry home and car and store!
And let’s have carolers
Sing songs of me from door to door!
Have choirs and orchestras
Give concerts galore!
And while we’re feeling festive . . .

When you meet and greet each other
For the month before my day,
Make acknowledging my birthday
Be the norm for what you oughta say!
And then heap scorn on those
Who do not obey!
Even if they do not worship me.
Even if they don’t believe in me.
Even if they’ve never heard of me.
Keep the focus on me!

And if you think you’re losing traction,
Please take quick, defensive action.
Say the small, opposing faction’s waging

WAR!

on me.

(Is that too much to ask?)