Stick, you were my first boat,
In the gutters you would float,
I'd race my friends on days it rained,
The winner would go down the drain.
If I lost you down the gutter
I would just go find another,
Maybe it was your twin brother.
You were my sister poker, fake cigar,
The capo for my air guitar.
Stick, I loved you good.
You brightened up my life
Like I knew you always would.

Stick, you were my first baton
For all the shows that I put on,
Leading my big orchestra.
It was imaginary, duh.
One, two, three, four,
Clarinets and tubas soar,
Hey, cowbell player, I need more cowbell.
You were my telescope, my microphone,
My stale, disgusting ice cream cone.
Stick, I loved you good.
You became my favorite toy.
I knew you always would.

You were my drinking straw, my drumming stick,
My amputated Ewok dick.

Why is it that people say that crabby people
Have a stick up their butt?
Well, guess what,
That's not right.
You shouldn't knock it 'til you've tried it.

Stick, you were my laser gun.
I remember so much fun
Shooting all the stupid rabbits coming to our neighborhood.
Zapping rabbits all day long,
You stupid rabbits don't belong.
(Rabbits was my code word for the Lebanese).
You were my drinking straw, my surgeon tool,
The fake poop in the public pool.
Stick , I loved you good.
You became my best friend.
I knew you always W-O-O-D wood.
You brightened up my life
Like only a stick could.