Caleb Hines - To The Administrator Of Extraplanetary Research

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To the Administrator of Extraplanetary Research,

I wish you a "Happy Valentines Day", for that is what the inhabitants of this planet call today. It appears to be another of their so-called "Holy Days" although I have yet to find an individual who can relate to me any information about the eponymous figure, St. Valentine. Rather, it is claimed to be a day dedicated to public displays of the emotion which they call "love". However, in this respect, their language seems to be significantly deficient in nuance. Depending upon context, this term can be used to describe a baffling array of favorable relationships with other entities, ranging from one's mate, to one's siblings or parents, to one's animal companion, and even to one's food.

The universally recognized symbol of this day is a stylized figure which they refer to as a "heart" although in actuality, it bears no similarity to the anatomical organ. Indeed, it more closely resembles the appearance of a leaf. The depiction of an element of the cardiovascular system appears to be motivated by the physiological and hormonal responses triggered by the aforementioned emotion. Given that their blood is red, due to it's high iron content, it is logical that various shades of this color,are featured prominently on this day. Another widely used symbolic element, which they call a "cupid", is truly inexplicable. This is a depiction of a very young juvenile with avian wings sprouting from it's back, and versed in the primitive combat skill of archery. I do not know what conclusions to draw from this disturbing observation.

As was the case with their previous holy-day, celebration involves the giving of gifts (though on a smaller scale), and the shared consumption of non-nutritional substances. An especially popular gift is the detached reproductive structures of plants, which can be artificially sustained in a vessel of water. It is conceivable that the inevitable withering of these structures is intended to symbolize that percentage of mating bonds which are terminated before death. In addition, participants give one another pieces of cardboard with various platitudes inscribed upon them. An oft-ingested item on this day is a brown substance comprised of a mixture of fat and sugar, flavored with the extract of certain beans. They call this substance "chocolate", and I hypothesize that it contains chemicals which amplify the effect of the emotions in the brain, although further research would be needed to ascertain this.

As you can see from this and my previous reports, these beings are highly impulsive and illogical. It is my recommendation that we continue to abstain from contact at this time. May you live long and prosper.

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from SpinTunes #4: Round 2, released February 14, 2012

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I run a songwriting contest called SpinTunes. Most of the material hosted on this account is a result of that contest. You can follow the contest on Twitter (@SpinTunes) or my personal account (@Spintown).

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