Son, you need to know
There are a million ways to die
Because this world is messed up,
I don’t know the reasons why,

And there are calamities everywhere,
So many death traps to evade
That I worry that you’ll perish
Every time you go to play

So I’m telling you this list
And you better listen close
So you know all the safe things
And the ones that hurt the most

Because you can’t swim in lava
Or survive mile high falls
And sometimes your friends are jerks
Who pummel you with snowballs

Or shoot you with arrows
Or blow you up with TNT
And watch for falling anvils
And random bolts of lightning

And everything else on this list
Is something you should know
So you stay near the safe things
Not the ones that hurt you most

Like the prick of cacti
Or the happenstance of drowning
Or when you forget to eat
Then die by starving

Which isn’t like withering
But still kind of the same
So you really should stay in
Because it isn’t safe to play

Because of everything on this list
Is something you should know
So you should stay home
Not near the things that hurt you most.