Way back when I was still playing Call Of Duty 4
On a website kinda like Metacafe or Daily Motion located next to your MySpace
and often found via Yahoo internet searches
(You know the place)
Well, anyway, it was 2010 and my channel was doing just groovy!

Except, of course, for the fact that I started my first video with a cheesy pick up line, and rambled my veiwers to sleep with post commentary.

Aw, dull post commentary!
Every single video!
It was not quality content

I said to my cat
I said, "Hey, cat, how could I improve my videos?"
And my cold, callous cat
She glared at me like a baby after you take away it's binky
And she jumped onto my shoulder
And she said, "I'm hungery!"
And then she scratched my neck with her claws and meowed incessantly while knocking over all my gymnastics medals until I had learned my lesson

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I wouldn't need to ask my cats advice on how to improve my content, my
videos will be filled with action, and the graphics will astonish
With storylines filled with drama
My channel will be a place people go to give 5 star ratings just for fun
Where Captain Kirk & Captain Picard fans can talk Star Wars together

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!

Well that was a turning point, it wasn't long at all before I found my muse
Because the very next week, I came across a videogame with very little action
incredibly lame graphics and absolutely zero storyline
Not what I desired, but exactly what I needed
That's right, that's when I transformed into

Caaaa-aaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaa tain Sparklez!
Caaaa-aaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaa tain Sparklez!

Oh yeah

You know, I still remember my first survival let's play
Those were the good old days, things were so simple
I spawned in an overgrown jungle and created a bunch of floating trees just because that's the type of person I am
And I turned that wood into a monstrousity of a treehouse
And a zombie & a creeper tag teamed me like the Road Warriors
And I found diamonds then broke my back mining obsidian
And, oh yeah, I met my best friend Jerry The Slime
And I threw him in a cage and didn't leave him water
And I went about my buisness for days until I finally noticed that Jerry had demonitized
But it's ok
You know why?

'Cause it wasn't my fault
I built that cage to meet all OSHA standards
No it wasn't my fault
I built that cage to meet all OSHA standards
No it wasn't my fault
I built that cage to meet all OSHA standards

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ah

I guess I was a little distraught over Jerry
But I was still riding high from prior wins
The views were pooring in from TNT, and of course Revenge
And my Skyblock adventures and fighting zombie Nazis
And my super duper star studded hunger games videos

But next it was time for another step towards complete Minecraft Let's Play domination
I was in Minecraft Story Mode
And the game was amazing up until they killed my character off
Not sure why, but they did!

Well, I got so irritated and I couldn't let that slide
So I looked up Telltale Games' address
And I drove to their studios in my Toyota Corolla at a very aggressive
45 miles per hour until I reached the front door

I knock, and then I wait
Finally I yell, "Open up!"
No response.
"I know what you did."
Still no response.
"You have to fix this."
They're trying to ignore me!

So, finally I grab a crate that was on the ground & stand on it to reach the intercom
But before I could hit the button a bearded man with a bowl of pulled pork opened the door
Oh man, it's the boss Pete Hawley
So anyways, he pushes right by me & jumps into my Corolla
And I'm like, "Hey, get out of my car!
You're going to get beard crumbs all over the seats!"
And he's like, "Nope."
And I'm like, "Do it!"
And he's like, "Screw you."
And I'm like, "It's on!"
So I grabbed handle and he hit the automatic locks
And I jumped on the roof and he sped off down the road
And I was thrown to the pavement and he disappeared forever with my sweet ride
Yes, indeed, I'd have to walk home now.
And that night, my life would change forever, when I downloaded a new map
And I called my buddy X33N, then things got really unfair
And you know what happened?
I'll tell you what happened

This map
Duped us once and then once more, we burned in deep hot lava
Could not escape, we were trapped in a death simulator
Duped us once and then once more, we burned in deep hot lava
Could not escape, we were trapped in a death simulator

It's Caaaa-aaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaa tain Sparklez!
Caaaa-aaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaa tain Sparklez!

Well, to cut a long story short, that map was extremely unfair
I decided to prove myself by defeating a Henzoid map
And I would once again draft X33N along with Kara to insure a victory
In the Department Of Miscommunications

So we put ourselves in adventure mode & started on our quest
Things were going great until Kara said something strange
She said, "Pig return grass"
I said, "Pig poop is not in the game"
She said, "Me you return grass"
I said, "I don't understand, clock?"
She said, "cow return grass"
x33N said, "I'm thinking composter"
She said, "diamond hoe grass grass grass return grass grass grass"
I said, "I have absolutely no idea"
She said, "Pig return grass"
I said, "You've literally said that and it's not helping."
She said, "chicken and villager return only villager"
x33N said, "I got nothing."
She said, "Just think of just these words that I've been saying"

"cow return grass"
I said, "Did you miss the part where I said clock?"
She says, "But it was cheating, stop talking, let me explain the conundrum I had,
I said, "I found the concept of time"

Then it got even more confusing with invisible pathways, X33N's angry parkour,
baffling grids of tiles, Kara's food obsession, and crawling through mazes
*arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg*
Oh man, I was going insane
While Henzoid was laughing at us
The pain kinda reminded me of when I dropped a 10 million sub video without 10 million subs
So I decided to releive a little stress...

Doh!
Why have you done this!?
WHHHYYY?!
FORK! FORK!
I can't take it anymore!
FORKIN' FORK!
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOORTS!

After breaking my keyboard & embedding my mouse into my monitor
I calmed myself by listening to the silent screams of thousands
of glowsquids falling into lava
And it just so happens, that's when I got a phone call from the girl of my dreams
Her name was Whitney
She was an aspiring rapper, and a huge Disney fan with a keen interest in the big bang theroy
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
She said, "Hello, do you guys deliver?"

She dialed a wrong number to my heart
We had a mutual love of butter boots
Going out dancing, good animation
We both believed that hummingbirds were the sharks of the sky
We even hugged a few times
So we collaborated on a video
And it gave birth to lots of memes - sometimes to my embarrassment
But, our love was too passionate for memes to stop, aw yeah

But then while doing parkour, Whitney said to me
She said, "Oh Shortcake, why do you call that a strafe jump instead of a neo?"
I said, "Whoa, just because everyone else calls it that, doesn't mean I have to as well."
So I jumped in my Jord GT and drove away
And I never once looked back

Cause I'm Caaaa-aaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaa tain Sparklez!
Caaaa-aaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaa tain Sparklez!

Anyway, things really started going well for me
Because I got invited to compete in the Minecraft Championship
That's right, a chance to go head to head with the best around
First time was a little rough but then I started losing like I was born for it (creeper)
Aw man, no matter who I was teamed with they couldn't carry me
But I was still getting more popular

Ok, like one time, I made it to dodgebolt
And even though we lost most people dressed as Yellow Yaks to show support
So I tracked down SMajor after the competition so I could ask him for a favor
So I say to him, "Hey, could you rig it so I never win?"
And Scott, didn't even hesitate and said
"Sure, but it doesn't seem like you need any help from me."

Now that was low

And when he sees a tear form in my eye
He's like, "Hey man, it was just a joke!"
Well, that's just fine
I can take a joke after all
Mr. I got to play the maps ahead of time
You know, he's just jealous of my forehead tricks "Soak it in!"
You'll never be able to do this.

Say, that reminds me of some others that like to dunk on me
All my loyal weight Re-rackers on Reddit can get a little carried away
Well, at least once in awhile
If I make a honest mistake I never get to forget about it
Like this one time when I let my eyes wander a little
And I'm like, "Hey, come on, you did me dirty."
But they just keep coming up with more things I'd rather not remember
You know, sometimes they even use my own words and logic against me
Man, it's like they enjoy hurting me, you know?

Anyway, um, I still love them
Cause they do cool stuff as well


Uh well, I think I should probably stop rambling on an on
because the only thing I actually wanted to say is:

I
Am
Awesome!

That's all you really need to know
So, at some point, if you need a place to go
that will make you forget how inconsequential your life has become
No matter how pitiful
And no matter how worthless you are to the rest of the planet and humanity
As long as you have the ability to hit that like button
You can rest assured there's one place that will always welcome you
The best Minecraft channel ever

CaptainSparklez
CaptainSparklez
CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez
CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez
CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez
CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez

I said, "C" (C)
"A" (A)
"P" (P)
"TAIN" (TAIN)
"...Sparklez!" (Sparklez!)

CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez
CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez
CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez
CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez, CaptainSparklez

CaptainSparklez